Saturday, January 23, 2010

Was it a loss?

Going through January's ICLW list and commenting I have stumbled on to more than one blog that mentions loss, their loss, a stranger's loss, other blogger's losses. While it broke my heart to read these things, it also got me thinking.

My first and only pregnancy ever, not known to me at the time, was tubal in Jan 2006. My first and only positive blood test, from IVF number 3, our 7th embryo transfer, was a low first beta, then turned out to be a chemical pregnancy, those were my losses. Weren't they?

I have never really considered them as losses. A loss yes, but not like a loss of my child. Is that weird? I don't know, maybe it is. Maybe not?

I admit I can never know how those of you who have lost a child feel. I know some of you consider a chemical pregnancy as losing a child, ok and maybe I do to, but i never considered MINE as such before. Until these last few days, where I have thought about my maybe losses.

I hope, pray and wish that this round of IVF does not produce loss for me. I guess, if I am honest with myself, each negative blood test is a complete loss in so many ways isn't it? Loss of hope, somehow a loss of myself and lost are my baby(ies) that could have been.

To those of you who have lost a child, had a chemical pregnancy, miscarriage or experienced any kind of loss, please understand that this post is just my personal thoughts. It may not make complete sense, or you may not agree with it, but I do feel the pain of loss, well not completely, but you know what I mean. Its just me writing my thoughts out, my free therapy if you will.

But, thank God, positivity comes back and tells me its 2010, Year of the Baby, as so many of you have heard me declare. So no to loss, no to negatives, and yes to babies for all of us. xoxo


  1. Hmmm...I'm not sure what you mean? There are many different kinds of losses. However you view what happened to you is your choice. It doesn't have to fit into a label that someone else agrees with.

    IMHO, there is a difference between someone who gives birth and then that child dies and a miscarriage that traditionally happens in the first trimester. That though is really the only distinction to me. My first loss was at five weeks and my other two were several weeks later. They were all, to me, equally devestating. It didn't matter how far along I was. In fact, the first (5 weeks) may have been the worst in many ways. My BFP innocence was lost. I loved what was growing inside me from the day I found out each time.

    I second the positivity for all of us in 2010! I hope too it results in babies for all of us!

  2. you don't have to feel the your post is strange or tactless. My first pregnancy was tubal and although I was really sad and in disbelief, I didn't think of it as a loss. Then I had a chemical pregnancy from my second FET, that was even less a loss (still annoyed though, big time!). The third one was again tubal and that time we saw the heart-beat. That time was beyond devastation. that was a loss, something we had a proof of, something that needed to be killed so that it wouldn't kill me. So even in minor losses, there is a different level of pain and attachment, at least that was the case for me. i hope too that this cycle won't bring us any more losses. Much love, Fran

  3. I know what you mean, even if we're not coming from the same place. My first miscarriage was at 11 weeks and was very rough. My second was at 8 weeks, and was not as bad. I don't know if it's one's view of when life begins, or one's emotional nature, or one's attachment to the idea of the baby that makes the difference. While my first miscarriage was very rough on me, it didn't take me much effort to get pregnant. That might be a factor for some people. And chemical pregnancies - I don't even know what to think of those, even though I had one last May. It's all very confusing, and I think I'm callous when I think that people shouldn't be quite so upset over a chemical. Sigh.

    Excellent presentation of a difficult topic - you didn't turn it into Pain Olympics, which is how this frequently ends up.

  4. yes to babies in 2010! no to negative thoughts!

  5. Everyone experience loss differently. And you're not weird for not feeling like someone else in a similar situation.
    And YES for babies for all of us in 2010!!
    Mucho love :)

  6. Indeed loss is experienced by everyone differently and it depends on the circumstances of each situation so I guess it's just how you feel about it and that's valid. And 2010 is SO the year of the baby!!

  7. I think it depends upon the person and the connection that they have made with their baby. For me, it was devastating. We saw her heart beating, we heard her heart beating, we were able to find out that it was a girl and that she had Trisomy 21. I don't feel that I could discount her life and not see it as a loss.

    However, I can see how it would be different if you didn't make a connection to the pregnancy.

    Either way, I sincerely hope you don't have any more losses. Best wishes for your upcoming IVF.

    the subfertile frugalista

  8. People have different definitions/feelings about loss. I like your post.

    Good luck with your cycle!

  9. (ICLW) It depends on the person and on their particular circumstance. My brief (natural) chemical PG was an annoying week-long delay to an IVF cycle. After the IVF, our m/c at 8wks was an ordeal that delayed a promising FET by 2 months. I didn't feel an emotional loss because we never saw a heartbeat and I never felt like I was really PG. I just hated wasting time when I knew we had frosties waiting.

    Good luck with your cycle!

  10. Loss is different for everyone and how we deal with it or regard it is influenced by every aspect of our life. You aren't weird or insensitive. That is just your unique outlook on things.

    Hoping and praying this cycle brings you the baby of your dreams.

  11. I think I felt my loss after IVF as a loss because a) I had seen my perfect little embies on the u/s and b) I FELT so very pregnant, for the first (only, so far) time ever, and felt so different once they were gone. I know my loss is not as bad as others' so I try not to make a big thing of it, but it was still heartbreaking, for me. But, I think it is absolutely your right to mourn or not as you choose, and I think there's an obvious upside to not being shattered by the past and able to think positively about your current cycle! Good luck!


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