Going through January's ICLW list and commenting I have stumbled on to more than one blog that mentions loss, their loss, a stranger's loss, other blogger's losses. While it broke my heart to read these things, it also got me thinking.
My first and only pregnancy ever, not known to me at the time, was tubal in Jan 2006. My first and only positive blood test, from IVF number 3, our 7th embryo transfer, was a low first beta, then turned out to be a chemical pregnancy, those were my losses. Weren't they?
I have never really considered them as losses. A loss yes, but not like a loss of my child. Is that weird? I don't know, maybe it is. Maybe not?
I admit I can never know how those of you who have lost a child feel. I know some of you consider a chemical pregnancy as losing a child, ok and maybe I do to, but i never considered MINE as such before. Until these last few days, where I have thought about my maybe losses.
I hope, pray and wish that this round of IVF does not produce loss for me. I guess, if I am honest with myself, each negative blood test is a complete loss in so many ways isn't it? Loss of hope, somehow a loss of myself and lost are my baby(ies) that could have been.
To those of you who have lost a child, had a chemical pregnancy, miscarriage or experienced any kind of loss, please understand that this post is just my personal thoughts. It may not make complete sense, or you may not agree with it, but I do feel the pain of loss, well not completely, but you know what I mean. Its just me writing my thoughts out, my free therapy if you will.
But, thank God, positivity comes back and tells me its 2010, Year of the Baby, as so many of you have heard me declare. So no to loss, no to negatives, and yes to babies for all of us. xoxo